While complaining about life…

Me: It’s just not fair. I have acne and now I’m getting fine lines? I mean, why do I have to have both?

Grandma Grace: Well, life isn’t fair! Having acne on top of wrinkles pretty much sums up how fair life is— get used to it.

While talking about her co-worker who got fired….

Khadijah: I’m really not trying to talk bad about her. But she was a cunt and a half.

While talking about my paper on anti-drug laws…

Professor Haze: That’s why we have laws. Our society says, “You know, you can’t just be an opium eater.”

Me: Uh, I don’t think you eat opium. 

Professor Haze: Oh, yes. Yes, you can…

While talking on the phone and I’m complaining about how stressed I am…

Me: It’s like I have finals, the bar application, all the complications with the bar application, paying for bar classes, subleases, the dog has been nuts! And now my landlord put a security camera in the back alley so I can’t sneak the dog out that way, or get the satisfaction of scaring all the drug dealers out there! It sucks!

Dad: Honey, I know you’re stressed but just pray. Ask God to take the stress away from you. That’s one of his main jobs as God.

While getting drinks after class…

Khadijah: Life is so hard, sometimes I can’t believe it! Life is so hard, and I don’t even have any real problems.

While meeting up with my mom and dad to go to lunch….

Me: Hey mom, hey dad. 

Dad: Honey, did you know that when you put molasses or honey in a cold drink, it gets hard and you can’t mix it well?

Me: Umm, yeah, I guess. I’ve tried to put honey in iced coffee before.

Dad: Really?! You knew this? I just found it out today when I tried to put honey in my iced tea! Man…50 years on earth and I’m still discovering things. Life is marvelous…

While asking my grandma, who is a retired vet, if my dog will be OK after he ate a whole bottle of vitamin E oil…

Me: Do you think he’ll be OK? Like all that Vitamin E isn’t going to hurt him?

Grandma Grace: Oh, he’ll probably have massive diarrhea around the house, but he’ll be fine, don’t worry.

While talking about where our group of friends could go for a weekend get away…

Me: We should meet up in Niagara. Canada’s fun, and it’s in between Chicago, DC and NYC.

Brett: I can’t go to Niagara. I got kicked in the head the last time I went to Canada, you know that.

I almost got married a few years ago. Like on-the-way-to-city-hall-changed-my-mind ALMOST got married. It was with my good friend Brett and, sure, we cared about each other—but we weren’t serious. We wanted to do it as a lark, as a joke on our families to freak them out, or just to say we did it. And we could have done it if we wanted to, because we have the freedom to get married to whoever, whenever. We have the right to be impulsive, give our parents heart attacks and make extremely poor financial decisions. Yet, you know who can’t do that? People who genuinely love each other, are committed to each other, have kids together, and aren’t trying to make a mockery of marriage (like me and my best friend). That doesn’t make sense, does it? If I have the right to use marriage as a practical joke on my dad, then people who actually respect marriage should have the right to utilize it for the sacred rite it is. Now, that’s common sense. 

While talking on the phone…

Antoinette: Maybe the key to being happy is settling.