While waiting to be seated at dinner, and talking about how her good guy friend got engaged to a girl she doesn’t like…

Khadijah: I like her ring; it’s a ruby. But what annoyed me so bad was that she said, “It’s not a diamond and I love that! Craig and I have issues with diamonds.” It’s like you don’t have “issues” with diamonds. You can’t afford a diamond— that’s your issue with diamonds!

While taking a study break and talking to Victoria…

Victoria: Guess what?

Me: What?

Victoria: A man gave me a hundred dollar bill while I was waitin for the bus! And did I know him? NO!

Me: Oh my God! That is so great! You are such a good person, Victoria, you really deserve it.

Victoria: Did you hear me? A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL! Ain’t nobody that good!

Me: Sure, you are. So what are you going to do with the money?

Victoria: Spend it.

While driving to the El station and talking about relationships…

Me: Jimmy and I will bicker, over small stuff obviously. He’s just a little pretentious some times, that’s all. I mean, he comes from a family where grad school is required.

Antoinette: Seriously? Wow, my family is the exact opposite. When I told them I wanted to go to grad school they were like “Grad school?! Why don’t you just keep yourself warm and burn that money! Maybe you could sautee it and eat it! Why the hell would you ever go to graduate school!”

While eating lunch…

Xie: Where is my purse?

Me: Oh no, did you leave it some where? I haven’t seen it.

Xie: No, I mean my purse.

Me: OK, where did you have it last…oohh, wait…you mean your boyfriend.

Xie: Exactly.

While getting dressed…

Me: Oh my God, there was a quarter stuck to my ass!

Mom: Oh, good— give it to me. I need it.

While running out the door…

Mom: What? I’m late for work; I have to go.

Me: I’m just pissed because every day I find a new spider in my apartment. No, it’s more like every time I turn around there’s another spider.

Mom: Well, look at the bright side— you’ll spend less money on cat food. It’s a good thing.